20 Signs You’re the Toxic One in Your Relationship and What to Do About It

In every relationship, it’s important to reflect on your own actions and behaviors. Sometimes, we can be so focused on what our partner is doing wrong that we overlook the ways we may be contributing to the tension or negativity. Toxicity isn’t always about obvious emotional abuse or extreme behavior; sometimes it’s subtle and can creep into your relationship without you even realizing it.

If you’re wondering whether your actions are damaging your relationship, here are 20 signs you might be the toxic one. Identifying these behaviors is the first step toward making positive changes and building a healthier, more supportive relationship. Along with each sign, i will also offer some therapy advice on what you can do about it.

Signs of Toxicity in Yourself

Being self-aware is key to improving your relationship dynamics. Here are 20 signs to look out for and how you can work on changing them.

1. You Frequently Criticize Your Partner

Criticism, when constructive, can be helpful. But if you’re consistently pointing out your partner’s flaws or making them feel inadequate, it can be toxic. Constant negative remarks about their appearance, habits, or decisions chip away at their self-esteem and damage the relationship.

What to do about it: Focus on positive reinforcement instead. Acknowledge your partner’s efforts and express appreciation. If you have feedback to offer, be kind, specific, and aim to encourage growth, not discourage.

2. You’re Always Playing the Victim

If you often find yourself in the role of the victim, where you blame your partner for every issue that arises, it’s a sign of toxicity. No relationship is one-sided, and constantly shifting the blame to your partner prevents any growth or resolution.

What to do about it: Take responsibility for your actions and reflect on your own role in the conflicts. Acknowledge your mistakes openly and work towards finding solutions together, rather than blaming.

3. You Are Controlling

Toxic behavior often manifests as control. Whether it’s controlling where your partner goes, what they wear, who they hang out with, or how they spend their time, a need to control everything about your partner is a clear sign of unhealthy behavior.

What to do about it: Trust is essential in relationships. Give your partner space and freedom to make decisions. Respect their autonomy and focus on creating mutual trust, not control.

4. You Gaslight Your Partner

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation where you make someone question their own reality. If you find yourself denying your partner’s feelings or making them doubt their own perceptions, this is a form of emotional abuse that can deeply harm the relationship.

What to do about it: Be honest with your partner. Acknowledge their feelings and validate their emotions, even if you don’t agree with them. Respect their perspective and communicate openly.

5. You Often Dismiss Their Feelings

When your partner expresses concern or hurt, do you brush it off as insignificant or accuse them of being overly dramatic? Dismissing their feelings makes them feel unheard and unimportant, which can lead to emotional distance.

What to do about it: Listen actively and empathize with your partner. Take the time to understand their feelings and show them that you value their emotions. Be open to constructive conversations.

6. You’re Emotionally Unavailable

Being emotionally unavailable means you’re not offering your partner the emotional support they need. This could manifest as avoiding deep conversations, shutting down when they need you, or simply being uninterested in their emotional state.

What to do about it: Work on being more present. Take time to connect with your partner emotionally and engage in meaningful conversations. Show genuine interest in their feelings and needs.

7. You Play Mind Games

Mind games are a toxic behavior in relationships that create confusion and emotional turmoil. If you deliberately say things to provoke jealousy, act hot and cold, or leave them uncertain about where they stand, you’re contributing to a toxic dynamic.

What to do about it: Communicate clearly and directly with your partner. Avoid games or manipulation and instead focus on honest, transparent communication.

8. You Use Guilt to Manipulate

Using guilt as a way to get what you want is manipulative. If you make your partner feel responsible for your happiness or try to guilt them into doing things they don’t want to do, it’s a toxic pattern that can break down trust and respect.

What to do about it: Practice emotional honesty and avoid using guilt as a tool. Be straightforward about your needs without trying to manipulate your partner’s feelings.

9. You Don’t Respect Boundaries

In any relationship, respecting boundaries is crucial. If you ignore your partner’s boundaries, whether emotional, physical, or personal, you’re creating an unsafe and unhealthy environment. Disrespecting boundaries can lead to feelings of discomfort and resentment.

What to do about it: Discuss boundaries openly with your partner and respect them. Be mindful of their needs and limitations, and create a space where both of you feel safe and respected.

10. You’re Frequently Jealous or Insecure

While some level of jealousy is normal in relationships, constant jealousy or insecurity can be toxic. If you constantly feel threatened by other people in your partner’s life or don’t trust them, it undermines the foundation of the relationship.

What to do about it: Work on building your own self-esteem and trust in your partner. Address any insecurities you may have through communication, self-reflection, and personal growth.

11. You Are Frequently Defensive

Being defensive means you’re not open to criticism or feedback. If you always defend yourself, deflect blame, or never admit when you’re wrong, it can make it difficult for your partner to communicate with you honestly, creating distance and frustration.

What to do about it: Practice active listening and accept feedback without becoming defensive. Acknowledge your mistakes and use them as opportunities for growth.

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12. You Have Trouble Apologizing

A lack of accountability is a hallmark of toxic behavior. If you’re unable to apologize or take responsibility for your actions, your partner may feel unappreciated and emotionally neglected. A sincere apology is vital for healing and growth in a relationship.

What to do about it: Learn to apologize genuinely when you’ve hurt your partner. Take ownership of your actions and make amends by showing change in behavior.

13. You Take Your Partner for Granted

If you’re constantly expecting your partner to meet your needs without giving anything in return, it can create imbalance. Taking your partner for granted makes them feel like they’re just there to serve you, which leads to resentment and dissatisfaction.

What to do about it: Appreciate your partner and express gratitude for the things they do. Be sure to give as much as you take, and actively contribute to the relationship.

14. You Keep Score in the Relationship

Toxic relationships often involve keeping track of who did what and when. If you’re always keeping score and using past actions to justify current behavior, you’re preventing the relationship from moving forward and healing.

What to do about it: Focus on the present and work towards solutions, rather than dragging up past issues. Move forward together as a team, leaving old grievances behind.

15. You Don’t Prioritize Your Partner’s Needs

In a healthy relationship, both partners’ needs are considered and respected. If you’re always putting your own needs first, without regard for your partner’s, it creates an unbalanced dynamic where one person feels neglected or undervalued.

What to do about it: Be mindful of your partner’s needs and work towards creating a balanced relationship where both of you feel valued and supported.

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16. You Hold Grudges

Holding onto past grievances and bringing them up in every argument is a sign of toxicity. If you can’t forgive or move past conflicts, it keeps the relationship stuck in the past and prevents you from resolving issues effectively.

What to do about it: Practice forgiveness and let go of past mistakes. Work on resolving issues in a healthy way, without letting past conflicts control your present.

17. You Are Overly Critical of Yourself

While self-criticism can be a sign of self-awareness, when it’s excessive, it can create negativity and impact the relationship. If you’re constantly putting yourself down, it may make your partner feel responsible for fixing you, leading to feelings of frustration.

What to do about it: Work on building your own self-esteem. Engage in positive self-talk, and remember that your partner is there to support you—not fix you.

18. You’re Not Willing to Compromise

In any partnership, compromise is essential. If you’re unwilling to meet your partner halfway and insist on having things your way, it creates tension and can lead to emotional distance. Relationships require flexibility and cooperation.

What to do about it: Practice being flexible and open-minded. Look for ways to meet in the middle and value your partner’s needs just as much as your own.

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19. You Ignore or Avoid Conflict

Avoiding conflict doesn’t make it go away. If you shut down during disagreements, refuse to engage in discussions, or avoid addressing important issues, you’re leaving problems unresolved, which can lead to bigger issues in the long run.

What to do about it: Learn to engage in healthy conflict resolution. Address issues as they arise and communicate openly, so you don’t let problems fester and grow.

20. You Regularly Engage in Passive-Aggressive Behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior—such as giving your partner the silent treatment or making sarcastic remarks—is a toxic way of handling frustration or anger. It creates confusion and tension in the relationship and prevents healthy communication.

What to do about it: Be direct about your feelings. If you’re upset, communicate in a calm and constructive manner. Avoid indirect or passive-aggressive responses that create emotional distance.

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